Observations and Overthinking
The View from My Window
Living in a townhouse in Calgary, I find myself hyper aware of my surroundings. To one side, there’s a street and roundabout separating my home from the next building about 100 meters away. On the other, a window stares back from less than ten meters. I don’t know who’s behind it, but I can’t shake the feeling of being observed. It’s the discomfort of proximity – too close, too revealing.
Not everyone understands my people, my culture. Some fear us because of others’ actions. Where did it all begin, this snowball of mistrust? One evil deed? One person who should have acknowledged their actions and accepted the consequences?
As I sit here, I wonder: How much longer will this go on? How much longer will people wait for the world to be good enough, for us to be good enough? But I believe – I have to believe – that what will be, will be good. Very good. After all, everything He made is very good.
The Stargazing Incident
The other night, I let my kids sleep in our bedroom. They don’t like their room; the bed feels too close to the ceiling. To help them settle, I performed for them, narrated a story, and we talked about stars and my childhood. I described the wooden house visible from my small childhood window – a safe place where I could observe the world without being seen. Isn’t that what we all want when we’re young and innocent?
That conversation sparked my interest in astronomy again, so I downloaded an app that identifies stars. Tap on a star, and it reveals its name, its story, accompanied by dramatic music and dazzling illustrations. One star led to another, and suddenly, a satellite appeared near my groin on the app. I tapped it. Mortifying. Did the neighbor see? If they did, what must they have thought?
Struggling with Self and Others
I write these stories and hope they’ll be published – not for fame, but to cleanse the embarrassment of moments like that one. My problem is I don’t want punishment; I want success. But success demands consideration of others, and I often fall short. I’m torn between my desires and my belief that we must deeply consider the Other.
Beautiful women attract me – there, I said it. And maybe saying it makes it worse, makes it more tempting. Breaking through the glass walls of societal defenses feels like a triumph, though fleeting. I stop when I hear “no,” and I know how to ask forgiveness, but the battle is constant. To resist such urges, I need God in my life. Without Him, there’s no hope for peace, for the disappearance of evil urges, for true meaning in this life.
How much longer will You wait for me to be good enough, Lord? How much longer until peace comes?
Practical Tips: Finding Peace and Balance in a New Environment
- Create Privacy in Shared Spaces
In closely packed housing, finding privacy can be a challenge. Use curtains, blinds, or room dividers to create a sense of separation. Carving out a small private space, even in a crowded home, can help ease feelings of being observed.
- Embrace Moments of Reflection with Family
Stargazing, storytelling, and other shared activities with loved ones are invaluable. They not only connect you to your past but also create new memories, helping to anchor your family in the present.
- Acknowledge and Redirect Desires
Recognizing urges and desires is the first step to managing them. Redirect your energy into meaningful pursuits – writing, creative projects, or volunteering – to channel your thoughts productively.
- Lean on Faith or Personal Philosophy
Whether through prayer, meditation, or self-reflection, find a source of strength to help navigate inner conflicts. Believing in something greater can provide guidance and comfort during challenging moments.
- Seek Connection, Not Just Success
Behind every ambition lies a desire for understanding and kindness. Share your struggles honestly with trusted friends or partners. Often, the kind word you seek can be found through connection, not achievement.
Immigration magnifies both external challenges and internal battles. From the discomfort of new surroundings to deeper questions of morality and purpose, each moment is an opportunity to grow. While the road to peace is long, every step toward understanding – of ourselves and others – brings us closer to it.
Written by Wa Alikum Salam, Immigrant.
